 Friday, November 16, 2012
 :'( at 1:39 AMMy 21st is approaching. I had a gathering with my uncles and aunties the other day. (I feel so loved, tho) But someone was missing, the very important someone. My ahma. I dun really care about the angbao that she'll definitely give. I just miss her presence. I miss kissing her on her cheeks and holding onto her wrinkled hands. (the last time I did that was grocery shopping at tampines mart) I miss her chuckles. I miss how she says " Ma lai xi ark (duck in hokkien)" - malaysia in chinese <malaixiya> I miss how she kept saying that I'm a picky eater (cos I dun like mock meat.), my grandma's a vegetarian btw. I just miss her so much that I kept telling myself, not to think of her. but its because of such gatherings, it makes me think of her even more. and there's so much "if only"s I hate emo-ing over such issues. But this is really the first time I have ever lost someone so dear to me. Ever since then, I have a phobia of attending funerals cos I feel like crying whenever Im there. Its like a trauma. Whenever I speak of the word "grandma", I'll just tear. and I have to put on a strong front cos its silly to just cry so suddenly, So much pent up emotions. I just miss you so much, ah ma. So many things I wished I have done for you. I wished that I wasnt that busy, so that I could accompany you thru those tortuous remaining days of yours. I'm so insensitive. I rly hate myself... Now that I can afford to give you allowance, I'll never ever have the chance to... Why :'( Labels: rants :( xoxo, eexuanthemaos |
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